Death

I might have a lot more to say about Death - and I'll capitalize it - in the future, but today I have this:

I have had two dear people this week hit the end.  Maybe it is like nursing state boards (now, not when you used to sit for days and take written tests, but now you take a multiple-choice test and it cuts off when it is satisfied that you are or aren't making it, or sometimes you get long test day and have to take every question no matter what) but that cut off comes and you have already selected your answers.

At that point, you wait.  You wait for at least 2 weeks to find out if you passed or failed.  It's only grueling in the essence that this is the cumulative answer of 4 years of schooling, learning to make the right decisions - and you took the test - and you're just waiting on the response.

At this point in life, I had one very wonderful person die this week.  She is my hero.  I only have a small handful of heroes, she's one, Sully Sullenberger is one (because he did his job, the right way, every day, and practiced to do it the right way, every day, and he was able to overcome a severe obstacle for himself and everyone on board his huge powerless airplane).  Theresa is a hero because she overcame obstacles that she had, and was able to empower others as well.  She may not have had a headline to state she'd saved a specific quantity of lives, but she sure as day influenced her world.  I am happy I was part of her world.  I wish I'd been there more with her.

Death is final.  It never ceases to hit me with finality - when my aunt died when I was little, I wanted to see her again but there was no more seeing her.  I remember wanting to see her so bad I thought my family was playing a trick on me and she would be hiding in the closet when I went to see them again.  Somehow, deeply, I knew that wasn't the case, but I kept hoping.

Where do we go?  Well, in my view, we just die.  We came from electrons meeting each other in a massive chemical equation and that equation continues when the electrons depart every cell in our body.  From end of mentality to end of decomposition.  Where does that leave us?  Back to where we started.

I love decomposition.  Really, that breakdown puts us back in our starting places.  That does not answer the philosophical question, but it puts me at peace.  I can't remember my origin, nor will I remember my departing.  That is life.

We gain consciousness and memories and what many will describe as their own lives as we age, most have memories of late toddler-hood, but those are usually limited to major events - mine are surrounded by near-misses with tricycles and traffic, birthdays and music, injuries, and hurt feelings as well. 

What I really want to say today about the two who I miss this week, my friend who died very unexpectedly on Thursday, my cousin who coded several times and has been left brain-dead and is off life support with family surrounding him - is that they aced life.

Aced?  Yeah, they turned up Aces.  Those two were very loved and loving.  It showed in everything they do.

My friend Theresa was near 30, my age, I have very wonderful memories of her in high school when nothing went right for anyone but disney characters.  The other is my cousin's 2 and a half year old adopted medically-fragile baby boy, who was cared for so much and given the absolute best family ever by circumstance.  It is still incomprehensible that either would die, medically fragile or not - he was doing so well and it's an electrolyte imbalance that caused a very horrible cascade of shutdown.

Neither one of these wonderful people would have ever let on that they were in any way being given the short end of the stick.  Both were eager and competitive every day when they woke up.  Both made a huge impact on anyone they met with their attitudes and the generosity of their hearts.  Both would have wanted to make you smile, no matter what.

It grieves me indefinitely to know that I don't get any more time with them.  Non-superstitiously, I do not feel like I will ever meet up with them for drinks at a later date.  My humanity makes me embrace the memories I have of each of them, and love to hear the stories I hear my loved ones and friends relate to me of each time their lives were touched by these people.  It makes me glad to have been a part, even a very small part, of their lives.

Today I am making more firm resolutions, thanks to my family and friends, and the unfortunate finality of death, to pursue a better standard of living for myself and my family.  To continue to make more complicated and rewarding goals than I may have made yesterday.  To embrace my family and friends that I have near me and further from me, because there aren't really any excuses for wasting time.

There are a million reasons for taking time and making time for the things that are important to you and your loved ones and other people you would like to reach out to.  That's it.  That's the end.

This is our planet.  This is our time, and we have to make it meaningful today.